Monday, February 28, 2005

Don't try this at home

ok, on the advice of friends.

the author of this blog will not be held responsible in event of similar experiences and events that may occur due to the contents of this blog.

readers of this blog are to read at their own discretion.

so for the young ones out there (basically referring to those 21 and below), read at your own discretion and think with your brains. this blog is not to be for simulation or emulation. the author will not be held responsible for any incidents that happen to you. Please don't say... "i'm doing all these i'm doing, becos i read from this blog and it seems that it's ok to do it."

I'll kill you if u say that to your parents!
serious!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

actually i feel like crying... but no tears
everyday like a walking zombie

know what is the feeling of zombie? it could be a body without any life. it could be a spirit trapped in a body. whatever it is, i think a zombie is one who seems to be alive, but is not, cos it's like walking around, lifeless, doing things being asked to do....

this is exactly how i feel now. i no longer find the joy of doing the things i used to love to do...it's sad, i'm juz passing the minutes by. seems alive, but dead inside, heart is dead.

anyway, this zombie is going partying tomorrow nite at NB. Let the loud music blast the life out of me.
misconception of teacher

today blasted at a friend... not intentional.

please get these out your head:

1) teachers only work from 7am to 12 noon, it's a half day work
2) teachers' job is very secure, metal rice bowl
3) teachers have 1+4+1+6= 12 weeks of school holidays

let me get this straight:

1) we have to be at the morning assembly at 7.15am. the last lesson ends at 2.10pm. remedials start at 2.30 and ends at 3.30pm. if you have meetings or trainings, for our school, it starts at 4pm and can end at 6.30pm. more important people talk longer, so sometimes their meetings end at 7 plus. that goes to say that we work roughly 12 hours a day.

2) when we get home, we put in another at least 1 hour of marking, 1 hour of lesson preparation. sometimes we try to finish all the lesson preparation for the week, that takes up close to 4 hours of my weekend. if i start late on a sunday nite, that means i only get to sleep at 2 or 3 am and have to wake up at 5.30am the next morning.

3) no doubt, the rice bowl is quite stable... but the effort put in is not small either.
a) you have to be counsellor to your students, parents and sometimes to fellow colleagues.
b) if you are the I/C of any school event, u need to hold rehearsals and much planning is put into such events.
c) meetings
d) attend Learning Circles (something like a WITs group)
e) go for at least 70 hours of training per year
f) give at least 3 suggestions per year
g) mark books
h) set paper
i) do form class administrative work
j) appraisal (self appraisal, work appraisal and School appraisal)
k) CCA
l) do duties for the various school events
m) maintain a staff portfolio
n) lesson observation once
o) prepare lesson
p) teach
q) carry out Project Work where u are doing all the planning for your students
r) adapt to and carry out new initiatives being rolled out.

4) school holidays, no doubt it's the holidays but the 1 week of holiday are usually burnt, because it's a good time to catch up on your paper work. the 4 weeks holidays in june, 2 weeks are gone, because the 1st week is remedials/extra lesson and book checking and work review. the last week must come back for meeting. then the 6 weeks holiday, if there is school event like Open House which is usually in the holidays, then it's burnt as well. the last week after christmas, it's for meetings and workshops.

so if any of your friends still think that teachers' job is very easy, ask them to join the teaching profession. WE WELCOME THEM WITH OPEN ARMS!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I'm OK

actually after blogging yesterday, i felt much better. it's felt good to blog it out.

thank you for all the kind words to those who offer advice. appreciated that!

Monday, February 21, 2005

talking about it?

i have doubts, i'm sorry, but i'm practical, if talking about my problems doesn't solve or change the situation, then i'll choose not to talk about it. no point, waste of time also, as such, time is running out for me, so why waste time talking over something where i can't change the situation?

unless the talk will bring about changes, like possibility of changing of environment, changing of jobs... i dun mind talking about it. if not, i'll prefer to keep it to myself, no point burdening another person with my silly problems. other people have their own problems to take care of.

there is no need to talk about it. 'i dun wanna talk about it'
how to spice up my life?

been very negative lately, so much so that there were a few times i have suicidal thoughts. got to push it out of my head quickly, quite scary. The last time i had this kind of feeling was when i'm in secondary school. 14 years old to be more precise. but when i was younger, the thought was not so scary, it is scary now cos despite the commitments i have (family, friends and work) and i still have this kind of thought, something is wrong with me.

they say that psychatrists (god, how to spell that word?) earns a lot from treating teachers. woodbridge hospital also have a lot of cases of teachers being admitted... hmmm, time for me to book my lodging with woodbridge hospital? maybe.

the only joy i have now is watching my kids... that day i juz watched marcus. he's a happy boy. he tries to be happy, i wish i can learn from him. he's crazy in his own way, looking under the car, dancing suddenly... sudden outburst of his expressions like this. asked him once what was that for, he told me, 'i'm happy!' think the school, his teacher is doing a good job of keeping the children happy. so for him and mabel, i will be happy for them. i'm sad becos i'm not spending enough time with them... until now they prefers the maid to do things for them. they dun need mummy to wash up for them, no need mummy to change clothes for them. it's sad... but one thing, they need mummy to play xbox games with them... haha. and also mummy to tuck them in bed. even tho sometimes it's very squeezy for 4 people on a queen size bed, i dun mind, cos nobody can be that close to them, except the parents.

when i watched the two of them... they are so carefree. enjoy school, when they are hungry, they eat, so much things to keep themselves entertained. marcus is busy with playing his trains and train sets, he can be at it for hours.... mabel is happy eating her titbits, biscuits, sweets, never stops eating.

quality of life.... that is something i've been teaching the students lately. you can have a high standard of living, with all the things u want, but u may not be satisfied with your life. you may have a low standard of living, but u may be satisfied with the simple things you have. like if i'm stranded on an island with little inhabitants, every day, i'll have to hunt for food, be it fruits in the jungle or fishes in the ocean. no washing machine... no electricity... gathering firewood... mayb the change is too drastic, i may not survive, i dunno, but think it's a good change of environment.

yah yah, i've heard all those advices... work is never ending, relax, destress.... i know... relax and destress, it's only for that moment, i feel ok, but after that, it's back to reality again. then the stress and depression got worse. that is where i'm confused. i know work is never ending, so take one day at a time... i know i can destress for a while. the destress part is supposed to refresh u and recharge u... so that u can head back to work with renewed energy. but the destress for me is not working for me, i get more depressed after my destress. so how? i can't keep on working and not relax, but i dun want to relax becos i get more depressed after that... so have i come to a cross junction where i have to make major decisions? to quit or not to quit....arrgh, i hate living.

god, this is a long posting... sorry... juz want to track down my inner most feelings and thoughts. i dunno if this is my inner most feelings or not. cos i really dun have the time to probe myself further. i'm suppose to be printing out worksheets and doing lesson preparation, and i'm 45 mins behind my schedule. ARRGH! LIFE AND WORK SUX!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

boring life

the week has been exciting with the two totos.... gives a chance to dream. Dreams are good.... lets u escape from your reality for a while.

there is nothing more i want to say... not here...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

tuesday

finally, one day down, 4 more days to go. things will get better each day.

valentine's day was yesterday, omg, dinner time, everywhere is so crowded and expensive. mostly young couples, makes us feel very old. u can see them holding hands, hugging, snuggling up to each other...

went to uncle roland's place at elias. his son gave us special discount, yeah! also realised that tv is very distracting. if u need to communicate to someone sincerely, switch off that tv. last nite, we had a seat near the pool table, both of us were like talking so much to each other, no end to the conversation. but once there was a table available, we happen to sit near the tv, both of us are like glued to the tv like that, find it hard to find a topic for conversation.

some of our friends commented that we have so much to say to each other. it's like we have never ending story to tell each other despite so many years (known him for 11 years) together.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

can't bear the thought of next week

i juz want to say, i'm really on the verge of quitting last week. will continue to hold on for as long as i can....

that's all i want to say.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

cny holidays are over

finally, the cny came and go. i mean the official two public holidays. it's been a tiring one these two days, it's not like it's really like two days of holidays. the things that i brought home to do, i've not touch a single one of them.

i dun dare to think of next week. busy, crazy week with lots of things to do. siao!

seriously thinking of quitting. i remember i got this feeling many years ago, when i was first working as an accounts assistant for a company. i hate those feeling that i have to dread myself to work every morning. after two months or so of this kind of feeling, i quitted the job. well, this is the second month, i'm feeling this way.... i dunno how long i can carry on, dragging myself to work! i hate work! it's getting very unpleasurable with so many stupid ideas implemented. i can't catch up wif it and i can feel myself stretched in at least 16 parts. crazy! then everything must record down, conduct remedials must record, do an IT lesson must record, even call up parents also must record, siao!

arrgh, irks me when i talk about my work. stupid....

Sunday, February 06, 2005

reunion dinner started already

today is only sunday, but i suddenly, impromptuly, asked my mum, grandma and aunties to my house for steamboat.

tmr nite, the actual reunion dinner at grandma's house wif my mum side of family, then on cny eve, renuion dinner wif my hubby's side of family. then eating eating all the way until sat nite. almost every nite, someone is giving a treat.

that is cny

clubbing

went to dbl o, then mdm wong on fri nite. dbl o is nice, quite nice music too, dance floor, the ceiling is high, not intimidating, except no place to sit only, i'm fine wif that, dun understand why my frens like to find a place to sit down. that's y someone suggested mdm wong. ok, we went over, yah, manage to find a place to sit, but the music is not that great, so in the end, we ended up at music underground.

still my fav clubbing place. i dun mind not having a place to sit down, the main thing is to dance, and if the music sux, then it's not fun. luv the music they played at music underground. went home late, 4am...

then the next day, again whole body aching. next time before dancing, must do some warm up exercises first. haha

Thursday, February 03, 2005

those drifting feelings again

at some point of your life, u juz got this feeling that life is meaningless. we are juz repeating our daily routines over and over again. juz like drifters, drifting our lives away.

must be the pre-cny blues....

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Marcus is soooooooo ...

sorry, i need to write about my children. myself, no updates, like that, back to my old self again, drifters drifting our lives away. sianzzzzzzz

marcus had bought some trains and train set on sat. but on monday, think he needed to buy another train set to add to his collection, so since monday, he has been harping on buying another train set, juz like an old man, harping on it non-stop. can even ask the daddy to go and fetch mummy so that they could all go shopping centres together. thought of so many excuses.

so last nite when i reached home, he came to me and was so nice to me suddenly. anyway, brought him to the compass point. on the way, he was like giving directions to go to the shopping centre.

when we reached kiddy palace at compass point, he started to look for the set he wants to buy. at first, i thought he wanted to buy trains to add to his collection, but no, he wanted to buy the tracks to add to his collection. it was like $89.95, on offer somemore. i told him, marcus, give me 10 good reasons why i should buy this for you, it's not your birthday.

he goes to show me the tracks, there is a train inside, altho he didn't come out with 10 good reasons, but he was convincing. his last two words, 'i like', power! well, some may think that i'm spoiling him, but i think he has waited long enuf (2 days) for this. and he was really quite convincing in persuading me. that bought my heart.

then of course, not to neglect mabel, she also bought a train, so all in all, total $119.90. heartache, a little. but worth it to see the smiles on their faces and their appreciation.

of course i warned marcus that this is the last toy i'm going to buy for him. no more. he has already spent almost $200 on trains and train sets in a span of 4 days. such an expensive hobby he has.