Friday, October 30, 2009

i officially deactivate my facebook account.

day 0 without facebook

technically, it can't be day 1 as i've not deleted the account yet. so i'll start from day 0.

surprisingly, i was calm. since i know that i'm going to delete the account tonight, i did not bother to go to any application to harvest or cook or dig treasure.

yes, i agree that it's painful to let go, but since determined and made up my mind, what's the point of holding on? so there was no frustration when the application couldn't load.

this is like life. When you made up your mind about certain things in life, you will let go, you will not worry so much. that's why if someone who plans to commit suicide will not continue to buy things, because you know that you are going to let go, what's the point of holding on to material stuff?

Let go, in chinese, fang kai. two very simple words, but very difficult to do. you really need to transcend beyond a certain level to be able to really let go. It is the same with love. painful to let go, but since determined, what's the point of holding on? holding on only brings suffering to many parties. if letting go brings happiness to the other party, if letting go gives the other party freedom, why not give this happiness to the one you love? if the one you love is happy, then i'm sure you will feel happy too.

so day 0 without facebook, makes me think hard about the phrase 'let go'.

death of my facebook account on halloween

which brings me to this post. I've decided to delete my facebook account on 2040 hr, 30 Oct 2009.

If you still want to contact me, i can be contacted via email. I'll still be updating my blog.

Goodbye facebook, hello children.

disappointed and angry

marcus didn't tell me that he got 66/100 for maths, he told his daddy. i only knew it from daddy just before we were about to go to sleep.

you can imagine after that, i toss and turn, cannot stand it, even in my pyjamas, i walked over to marcus' room, and asked him personally. being late, i didn't want to scold too much.

even until the next morning, though i can see that marcus tried to help me carry my things, i told him bluntly, 'no need, i can carry my own stuff.'

needless to say, i'm disappointed with him, angry with him. i think it's going to take months before i simmer down.

then as usual, reflect, reflect, reflect. how did things turn out this way? How can i make it better?

marcus is smart but lazy. he is smart but he needs guidance to unleash his potential.

then i reflect on my own. have i been spending too much time on facebook? have i been working too hard that i neglect him? thinking of this, it broke my heart even more. brings me to a point of thinking, should i quit my job to better look after my children? i really cannot balance work and children. i just feel so sad, i just feel so worthless, i just feel such a lousy mother. u care and work so hard with other people's children, u care about guarding whether you hit that percentage passes, whether you hit that MSG. by the time u reach home, u are so dead tired.

i really feel that i didn't give marcus enough attention. i really feel like a lousy mother. work so hard in career, but what do i get in the end? disappointment.

Monday, October 26, 2009

guess what, 9400 and 1094 came out again on sunday.
mabel said that i've not been updating my blog. well, really do not know what i want to blog about during the weekend. it's just a normal weekend for me.

but for the wife of the young doctor who died during the diving trip, it's not so normal for her.

just reinforce what i believe, life is short. live life to the fullest. spend your hard earn money on food, bringing the children out etc. never know when you'll just go like that. what's the point of having so much money with you when you carry it with you after you died?

for the living, life still has to go on.

Friday, October 23, 2009

it's friday!!!! happy and sad, happy because it's the weekend, sad because actually there are many things to be done, i'm just sweeping it under the carpet.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

aiyo, mil is not feeling well again. on tues and wed, she drank a can of soda each. i think it started yesterday, dunno exactly what she is feeling not well. only know that sopia had to apply ointment for her, seems like body is aching all over.

this morning or should i say for the past 1 hour since 6am, father has been walking in and out of the room, open door, close door. and you know lah, father always open/close the door very loud. now mother is crying, father is like scolding her...

i think mother will call joycelyn today, because dear dear is angry with mother for drinking the soda. He doesn't understand why she so stubborn. so he is going to take the cannot be bothered attitude.

but we all agree that father is the most 'poor thing' here. imagine, he worked the late shift last night, must have only 2-3 hours of sleep. this morning with mother like that, i think he is going to mumble mumble mumble. i hope he has enough rest before going to work later in the afternoon. or is it his off day today?

last night, mabel and max was playing jigsaw puzzle, mother asked why they are playing with her sleepoing pills, her medicine. when we heard this, we were like ????

ok, will knock off on the dot today and come home early.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

how cool can this get..? my house unit number came out 1st and 2nd prize!.... well, though it's just ibet that i win, but then again, better than nothing. cool... 超爽 超极cool
ok, now for the most important post of the day:

this article talks about fortune... blink blink.... who doesn't want fortune. but upon reading it, the fortune is not that money wise fortune, but things like happiness kind of fortune.

ok, there are some very cheem 16 words in chinese which i cannot remember. it started with a story. morale of the story... where is the happiness if you don't what you have?

this person (xing yun fa shi) does not deny that you need money to survive... but human nature, (literal translation from chinese)
when you have finished eating, you think of having seafood, abalone etc
when you have a home, you think of having a mansion
when you have a hundred thousand, you think of having a millions
when you have a job, you think of climbing higher

so this cycle goes on and on, our whole life is going after 'what we want to have' and not using what we already own.

also he said that besides money, the more important things in life that we should be going after are things like happiness, compassion, health etc (there were quite a few qualities listed, but i can't seem to recall many)

so my own reflection after i read this article:

it is really so true! i mean some time ago, i did realise this... about what's the point of having so much and when you die, you cannot bring it along with you? i guess i just needed someone or something to remind me.

so i'll put off thoughts like 'hmm, this condo not bad' 'this house not bad' 'this house is for sale' because harbouring such thoughts make you want to have. then the thought becomes a desire, then the desire becomes a must have.

same with work... there were once, long ago, i wanted to step down... but after much persuasion from colleagues and weighing the pros and cons, i didn't make the request. decided to grit my teeth.

now reading this article, it makes me think about my work again.

so make a firm decision, when there is extra money, (let me stress, when there is extra money)first priority, bring children for vacation. next, don't stinge on good food to reward ourselves for the hard work. ok, tonight will treat the children their favourite food, spaghetti. next, good wine/beer to share with people during gathering. then, home furnishing to make the current home a better place to live in.
repeating action number 2: drive to work.

except that i tell myself that today i'll drive slowly and promise not to outrun the car in front of me....

so slow song, wind down window, drive slowly. enjoy the song. car signal, want to come into my lane, go ahead. bus signal, want to come out from bus bay, go ahead.... slow and easy

yah, since i mention this.... another night of quietness between us... last night had a very strong urge to take the car and enjoy a slow drive along ecp. but didn't because today i need to go to workshop, want to conserve some petrol. that's why the article about every boday needs about 15 mins of privacy each day clicks so well. last night, if i would have taken a ride, i guess i would have felt better, much better. i guess i wouldn't have this heavy feeling in my heart, which i still have now, and i can't explain why.
Dear blog,

i wake up today, feeling that it's another day where i repeat most of the actions which i did yesterday.

As i was in the toilet, which i find it to be a very conducive place for me to think of difficult task (don't ask me why), thought through the day's work, what i need to complete, prepping myself for the day, managed to iron out processes of some difficult work tasksssssssss (note the many s i put behind), let out a sigh and here i go again.

repeating action 1: sit at dining table, drink coffee, read yesterday's chinese newspaper. why am i reading chinese newspaper? it's the only one that the family bought.

as i was reading, many reports made me stop and reflect. took unusually long time to finish the newspaper.

a) some rich old lady came to Singapore to seek treatment for her illness. when she died, her 7 children created a scene as to where she is to be buried. Police has to be summoned. (some snatched away the funeral van's key, some block the road with their mercedes) that is the problem when you are rich, died and definitely your children will be fighting over your assets. will definitely not happen if i'm poor.

b)another article talks about everyone should have 15 mins of privacy every day. which i think it's good, even for couples/spouses. some people needed the 15 mins to allow their creative juice to flow. some used the 15 mins to give thanks for the day.

that brings me to an article that says daydreaming is good. daydreaming helps you make connections, which is good for Marcus, but then he has to know when to and when not to.

c) another article, i will elaborate in detail in the next post.

d) just feel that taiwan's jin zhong jiang, hong kong's wu xian and our own star awards, all are so fake. most of these presentations have an agenda, to help so-and-so actresses or actors to have award because they have been identified as the next big star. then the actresses/actors will be upset for not getting an award, though they are promised by company that they would get an award.

yah, talking about this, sometimes i feel that it's so lame/stupid when the company has to write a script to purposefully suit a role to the actress. like recently the channel 8's show 'baby bonus' at 9pm.... the motorcycle stunt was specially slotted to highlight 'what is her name?'s character in the show. It's totally lame, uncool and so fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! actually i've forgotten about this, but newspaper reported this 2 days ago.... reported how the actress posed in front of the fire, very brave lah, never complain lah, blah blah blah. i literally wanted to spit at the newspaper. hokkien says spit smelly saliva. so fake!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

ever get this feeling? wake up in the morning, go through the motions that you are suppose to do... like go to work, finish up your work, hee hee haa haa, blah blah blah, come back home, bathe, eat dinner, talk to children, facebook, watch tv, then sleep? then the next day, you start all over again.....

feels like a robot.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

today met up with mum, aunt sue and sis at east coast tung lok for dinner. it was a sumptous dinner. after dinner, we walked around the shops to pass time. When we walked further in, there were rides for the children. there was a mini viking. so marcus and mabel had a try on it. at first, mabel was afraid, so i went with her. then after playing, they liked it so much. they went on two more rides before going ont the viking a second time. this time, max wanted to try the viking, so daddy had to accompany him. I guess it was brave of him to try, despite him closing his eyes and holding on to daddy very tightly.
yesterday brought the kids to pasir ris park for cycling. brought one bicycle there, but in the end, didn't use it because max ride the bicycle too slow. so marcus and mabel hired one bicycle each, then we hired a double bike with a child seat. however, marcus got the bicycle that was very difficult to cycle, so exchange with mabel as mabel is better at cycling.

but on the way back to the rental shop, mabel was too tired to cycle, so i jogged beside her and encouraged her while marcus and daddy cycled in front. at the last part of the journey, let mabel sit the double bike while max took the bicycle, so i slowly pushed him as he cycled back to the shop.

after that, we managed to go to the florist to grab a bigger pot and some soil for the plant which was outside our home.

Friday, October 16, 2009

oh no, the background music of country story is always playing at the back of my mind. arghhhhhhhhhh

Thursday, October 15, 2009

finally it's friday tomorrow. on one hand, i'm looking forward to it, on the other hand, tomorrow is going to be a very very busy day. sianzzzzzzz

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

since last wed's over eating and heartburn issue, i've been having this gastric juices in the stomach feeling. I cannot be too hungry nor too full. been on and off this past week.

today, didn't have time to eat lunch, hence, by the time i ate dinner just now at 6pm, the gastric juice is really working hard at gnawing my stomach walls. even now after dinner, i still feel uncomfortable in the tummy. just feel like leaning foward and slouch, makes the stomach better.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

today's been a good day at home with max. brought him to see a doc for his running nose. but it was the company that i enjoyed with him.

honestly i also dunno why i'm blogging at this hour. i should be sleeping. i was actually ok, but just now, during 9 plus, mabel gave me her black sesame paste which she couldn't finish. i couldn't bear to throw away too, so i helped her finish. hmm, a little regret. stomach is feeling bloaty now.... feel like puking out the food. but i hate to puke, those sour-y taste that lingers in your mouth, that yellow juice that was churned out from your gastric, ewwwwwwwww, gross.

i will go to sleep after harvesting my egg plant in country story. another 15 mins, then see if my points can catch up with kelvin or not. yes or no, can sleep better after knowing the results. ha.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

mabel is so sweet, she thanked me for giving birth to her and luckily i didn't die as she knows that some mothers died after giving birth.

so to mabel:
i also want to thank you for giving us 8 years of joy and happiness. You always surprise me with your ability to know where all our things are. want to thank you for being such a great help to us in looking after your brothers.

Of course, as a young child of only 8 years, nothing is perfect. You have your weaknesses that we would like you to overcome and improve yourself in terms of character building.

We really wish you all the best for your future, a bright future. may you grow up to be a resilient girl with a kind heart.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

sister bought a nice dress for mum as a birthday present. today, decided to buy mum a matching set of jewellery to go with the dress. so she would be the most pretty lady on 16 oct when she wear it to attend a wedding dinner.

pretty woman walking down the street..... (whistle)

reflection on pubic hair

no, this is not going to be a RA post. i will leave this to the imagination of the adult. define, adult age 21 and above and married.

anyway, i was just wondering, why must humans grow pubic hair? hubby's philosophy is in ancient time, maybe cavemen dun wear clothes, therefore pubic hair was naturally sown and grown to cover the most crucial part.

ok, anyway, my reflection is, i just feel that pubic hair breeds germ. what do i mean by that? let me further illustrate. after you finish with big business, you need to clean, right? in what direction do you clean? you clean from the back to the front, right? (are you picturing this?) so as you clean to the front, imagine some shit get stuck by the pubic hair. a little unhyginic if we don't wash later, right?

so i really feel that it breeds germs if not taken care properly.
yesterday just ate ban mian for lunch and dinner... yah, during meeting, cakes and honeydew... after dinner, i still feel a bit pain in the stomach, like gastric pain. hmm, did i overeat? anyway, went to sleep and pain went away.

good to wake up in the morning and then seeing son son lying beside you, sleeping soundly. makes you feel that all the work is worth it. it's for him.

Friday, October 09, 2009

reflection on heartburn

feeling much better today after medication. so i realise, i cannot overeat. yesterday was hellish for me with the wind inside churning and can't even stand straight. slept a lot yesterday too.

but then, despite not eating for the whole day yesterday, i didn't even lose 1 kg!!!!! how can this be possible???????

today, i'll still go on a soft diet like fruits or porridge. can feel that the stomach walls are weak.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

eating very full the previous night is worse than getting drunk. this morning when i woke up, i could feel my tummy is not feeling good. those gastric kind of feeling. feels like throwing up. the wind is churning in your tummy, then u burp (or either fart) to let out the gas. i hate the churning feeling. it's worse than hangover!

just like grandma, remember there was once, she threw up after eating a buffet. I guess that is the exact feeling i'm feeling now. just that i'm trying to control not to throw up, because i hate that after feeling of throwing up.

hmmm, i'm seriously thinking if i should go check my body. thinking if i've got mild heart attack before. sometimes i do feel chest pain.

ok stop scaring myself. i think i'll take a short rest.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

and when i come home at almost 11pm, guess what? max was still awake. he was actually lying down and watching cartoon, when he saw me open the door, he sat up, eyes brightened up so big and came to give me a big hug.

as for marcus and mabel, went to their room to check on them before i entered my room. they were already fast asleep. planted some kisses on their cheeks.
today at 5pm, decided to leave school. then i had to detour to amk to settle some things. so after settling the things, mum asked me if want to go for dinner with her, sis and auntie luk yee, 1 for 1 buffet dinner. who can turn down a nice sumptous dinner?

so agreed. we started to have our dinner at 7.45. we ate and chatted until almost 9.45pm. it was a chat over dinner.

on the way home, pass by orchard road. really blur in orchard road. goes to show how long i have not been to orchard road. after sending them home, i took a slow ride home. wind down windows, listen to music. i think i said before, i like this kind of feeling.

today was really impromptu. although at the back of my mind, i was like, hmmm, my crops expire already or not... but it was a good break from facebook. it's really like after a long day of work, you go for a good and slow dinner. should not let whether it's late or not to bother you. u actually feel very refresh after a shower. u actually look forward to work tomorrow as you feel good.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

this week things slow down. last week taking bullet train, now taking old car. enjoying the relax mood.

max is so funny. he came in and asked if he can use the internet, i said yes, then he is so happy and he kissed me. ok, he wants to type some words.

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totally forgot the new season of amazing race. am watching the 2nd episode now. the participants are in vietnam, HCM. thought of the trip we brought students to vietnam. it was like only last year....

Monday, October 05, 2009

mil very show favouritism towards boys one leh, she totally forgot that mabel's b-day is coming.

fil so fast going to retire in june 2010. dun dare to think about the future.
saturday after dinner, brought the kids down to take lantern. it was a quiet and wet mid autumn festival.

on sunday, brought mabel to go and order her b-day cake. wanted to queue at singtel to 'queue' for the iphone. saw the queue before singtel shop opens, forget it.

came back home, shower and then went to brewerkz. It was very crowded, because they showed F1 Japan race live and rugby final live. so it was very crowded. but it was exciting to watch with so many people. the moan, the cheer, even the children soak up to the feelings.

then thought of going home, but needed to get some presents, so we pop by raffles city and after getting the presents, we went to amk to celebrate sis and mum's b day.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

reflection on 2.4km

this morning, went to run 2.4km.

1st round, ok, slow and easy. 2nd round, perservering. 3rd round, still perservering. 4th round, i can do this, half completed. 5th round, dying soon. perservere, dun stop, 2nd last round! slowed down considerably for the person to ask me if i want to go on, i just pointed 'good' sign, i'm still ok, one last round to go. 6h round, i can do this, i can do this. very tired, pushing on very hard. i've come so far, it's not possible for me to give up now.continue jogging, jogging and jogging. last 200m, finishing soon! last 100m, open up and sprint. reach destination, made it!

it's really a test of endurance for me. am surprise i can complete the run. judging that i've only ran 3 times in the past 2 weeks and it's not even 2.4km.

but it feels good after an hour or so. u feel fresh after a shower. u feel good. i should go jogging more often. it is like to stimulate the metabolic rate.

Friday, October 02, 2009

oh no, tmr running 2.4km. the last time i ran was last week. dunno if i'm fit to run or not.

can, i shall go sleep early tonight.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

finally, heave a sigh of relief.

feels good to be able to do nothing after work. but max today is busy playing with marcus and mabel.