brought the kids to the library to return and borrow books.

in the evening, went jogging with mabel and then went to the exercise corner to do some exercise.

the long weekend is a good one, with swimming, eating and catching up with relatives.

looking forward to bringing the kids to library tmr.

somtimes, the brain just do things without thinking. used my school's email account username and id to sign in blogger. omg! only managed to strike off one thing from work - to do list. How 'efficient' i am!

this year xmas falls on friday. i think i will go away for xmas this year. next year cny also falls on long weekend, i also feel like going away for cny next year.

sometimes i wonder why do we have family members? some things are just so difficult to solve, to settle especially when it comes to dealing with family members. at least, for friends, this is how i settle the issue, happy, we can still continue to be friends, not happy, no friends. u badmouth me in front of friends, i dun give a single damn.

but for family members, u have to think like if i do this, what will happen in the future? next time, still has to meet. it is just not so straight forward. dun ask me to pray to God, becos in the end, i still have to settle the problem. God can give me the wisdom to handle and settle the issue, but i dun see God giving the other party the wisdom to accept. well, if God gives the other party the wisdom to accept in the first place, there wouldn't be so many issues to settle.

if God wants this to be a trial for me, to make me stronger, yeah, the stress is making me stronger and more resilient.

yup, i'm starting to sense that i'm running away from it all. i'm starting to sense that i'm clamping up. i'm starting to sense that 'just leave me alone' feeling.

i'm also wondering if i would turn out to be so crappy when i become an old woman.

the problem with me is that i lack commitment.

for example:

1) only when i'm running 2.4km, i went jogging. then after 2.4, i stopped jogging even though i tell myself that i should jog at least thrice a week.

2) was uzapping away for the past 2 nites, then last nite, was lazy again, didn't go through the routine

3) u know some ladies have a regular routine of cleansing, washing, toner and then moisturize? then at times, there are the night cream, eye cream and then moisturize the body? well, i can try for a few days, then i'll become lazy to go through the process.

4) even with marcus, i think i lack the commitment to see through the revision. i'm not like some parents who can sit down every night with their children without fail to go through their work and then when they realise that their child is not clear about some things, they will a) sign up for enrichment classes and b) more assessment books for their children to do. yes, i know of parents who are like that.
then they can sit down there with their children, watching them do assessment. so no life for the kids and the parents.

so with marcus, it is a struggle for me every time. on one hand, i wants him to do well, but on the other, i want him to enjoy his childhood. it's a difficult balance.

Above was a video done by some students to showcase during their grad nite, thought of uploading here. This is a nice batch of students. was their form teacher for 3 years. i've seen them work hard, i've seen them grow up, they are now a great bunch of gentlemen and ladies. We had our fun and laughter, we had our serious moments, of course, there were times when there were conflicts and misunderstandings in class. well, i guess that is part and parcel of life.

now that all have graduated, there will be much more for you to learn out there, we will not be there to watch out for you, you will have to learn to be independent. just remember the things and values we teach u. i will miss all of u!!!!!! i love you all.

(proofreading my blog, in case i say anything wrong, then kena stomped or issued warning letter by my boss!)

today decided to stay at home. anyway, i've been pretty inefficient for the past 2 days. only attend meetings.

think i caught the flu. having stucky nose from last night.

this morning woke up with a splitting headache on the left side. max didn't want me to go to work.

during meeting, i was a bit dazed. but i marvel at how the human mind can prop a person. no wonder they say if you got the will, you can survive. so the part on will is really what and how your mind tells you to behave. so if you tell yourself that you can work, you will be able to work properly.

mon - back to school to do work and meeting. apart from having a fruitful meeting, other things that i planned to complete was not done. hence, feeling unproductive. and it doesn't help that the whole of my left side, starting from the neck to the shoulder is feeling muscle strain. part of the reason, didn't sleep well on ubin's pillow on friday night. another reason, too into ipod games, which i think adds on to the muscle strain.

feel like packing up to go home and come back to work tomorrow.

just reading the blog of the supermodel who committed suicide. just felt that it was a pity, so young.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

went to pulau ubin. got bitten on the same arm again. same thing, red, red, itchy, swollen, spreading. applied zambuk.

holidays are here. should be feeling relax, but there are many things to settle before 2009 ends. i must be alert and on the toes. no room for relaxation.

when i say that as a person, we have many roles to play, i didn't mean 'people pleaser'. oh pleassssssssssse, we dun want to please people all the time, that is even more super tiring.

sometimes i just wonder how the human brain adapt so fast that we become unaware of it. as adults, we already know what mode to switch to when we interact with certain people. and with so many roles to play, there is really no time for 'me'. more and more often, i so wish to be left alone. yes, alone, so that i do not have to play the role of a parent, a child, a sibling, a colleague, a friend, a foe. certain roles are unavoidable, so if i can choose to avoid any role like the role of a niece, i would try to avoid it at all cost, becos i'm really tired. dun ask me to be that good niece to give in and apologise. sorry, this is a role that i dun play often, this is a role which is of last priority, this is the role that i will avoid.

sometimes i wonder, why on earth am i still alive? life is meaningless, going through the same motions day by day, having to solve other people's problems. also as you grow up, you learnt to say that some things are better left unsaid. the more you say, the more problems it create, so it's better not to say anything.

it is a tiring day to begin with. last nite was graduation nite, so reached home quite late. so the brain is crying out 'not enough sleep'

this week, no doubt, is a hectic week. i don't even want to think too much about it plus it doesn't help if people are not helpful. just feel shitty. it's like you feel like you are part of people's pawn to play their game.

there is really no alliance in this game. you just felt so being used.

just reading the news and penning down my thoughts:

1) lately, some hospitals have been getting some bad publicity.

2) depression is the solution to many problems. from death penalty, once diagnosed with depression, it can be reduced to jail term.

3) the donated sunflowers for Dover Hospice were stolen from Raffles MRT. those people/person who stole the flowers, how evil and what an idiot. you will get 'bao ying'

slowly, some problems are solved. there are some other problems to be solved. sigh... i'm now looking at a spider that climbed up the wall, wonder if a spider has that many problems to solve.

sometimes, just feel very tired. as an adult, we have many roles to play. we have to be a good worker. at home, we have to play the role of a spouse, parent, children, sibling, employer, even role as a niece!!!!! omg

weekend was good with times spent catching up on sleep and spending time with children. weekend brought an unexpected gifts from kelvin. He bought a swimming trunks and bikini for us.

on sunday, we brought mum for dim sum. after that, just shopped around, so jocelyn bought some clothes for mum and sopia bought herself some clothes too. even marcus had a new set of clothings. some of his clothes are really getting small.

then it was back to amk for dinner and finally able to solve some problem there. just continue to pray that the execution will be smooth as well.

World Kindness Day was on 13 Nov. It is a day for you to show that you appreciate people, like your love ones, family and friends.

So on saturday night, bil (sis in law's hubby) bought all of us that yellow flower and a card each to show his appreciation to each and every one of the family member.
so on behalf of tan family, want to say a big thank you to kelvin. Thank you for your kind gesture.

also want to thank you and jocelyn for the things that you have done for mum and dad. even though the trip wasn't materialise, at least we tried to plan for one. thanks for always initiating to bring mum out for dim sum, dinner. Thank you.

saturday - in the morning, brought max to see a doc after breakfast. then went to the library to borrow books.

after that, had to went to philips at toa payoh to buy the coffee pot because the maid broke the coffee pot. $22 lei

after we came home, had lunch, then played dance dance revolution with the children. i was perspiring. not rigorous exercise but it was enough.

been busy the whole of friday. after a full day retreat, had to attend a dinner at bukit batok. by the time i reached home, 10 plus. i actually didn't wait for the dinner to end.

so by the time i reached home, i was so tired. slept after a good shower.

sucks. pay day = pay bill day.... sigh, life just sucks

random thoughts:

1) in a short 4.5km or 5km drive, there were like 8 traffic lights.

2) 2012 seems like a good movie to catch. anyone interested?

3) long day ahead with meeting

nice weekend, rest well. oh yah, went to buy a dining table on sat. good buy, 499 without the chairs, and it's extendable.

yeah, without facebook, on friday night, manage to pack max's old clothes for steff. feels good. i also managed to download quite a few pictures that was in my hp to the computer. now it is to put them on.

think i did not switch on the computer on sat and sun, which is a good thing.

so on sunday, went to steff's house to pass her the clothes. ser met us at steff's house and we went to this ulu place in selatar airbase for dinner. the buffalo wings had various level of intensity. the children has this big area to play and all the children made friends with one another and played together while the adults talked over dinner. nice place, just that it's really ulu.

managed to do some clearing of unwanted stuff at my work place. this is only like one quarter. but it feels good. you get a less congested place, it's better asthetically too.

another place i want to bring my children to

pulau ubin and we are going to eat combat ration.

today i had a full day seminar to attend. this is a 2 day seminar, so i'm going again tomorrow. It's at nanyang poly. suppose to register at 8am and the programme starts at around 9am, i reached nanyang poly by 7.40am. i was actually trying to delay time by going to the coffeeshop for a plate of mee rebus after i dropped marcus and mabel off for their school bus. i left tampines at around 7.15am, no hurry, just drive slowly. still too early.

anyway, during the seminar, besides doing my own brainstorming for next year's programme, (boy, makes me excited and look forward to 2010, a far cry from one or two days ago when i said that i actually dun look forward to 2010) ok, where was i? oh ok, i occasionally drifted off in my thoughts. i was like planning where to bring the kids during the holdiays, so here goes:

1) peranakan museum
2) national museum
3) marina barrage
4) sentosa
5) a family night out at boat quay (just want to sit opposite boat quay and let them experience the night skyline)
6) hay dairy
7) dairy farm (apparantly some visitor centre was newly opened recently)

before i buzz off to work hard, today is tuesday, a little tired. looking forward to TGIF.

correction

'if letting go brings happiness to the other party, if letting go gives the other party freedom, why not give this happiness to the one you love? if the one you love is happy, then i'm sure you will feel happy too. '

want to make correction to the above paragraph. yup, totally agree with Serena, letting go is not for the other party, letting go is for yourself. letting go of the misery the other party put you through, letting go of misery and saying hello to finding your own happiness.

Brought the children to library on Saturday morning, it was closed until 2pm as they have some annual event. Well, marcus and max were disappointed, had to explain to them.

In the evening, brought the children for a drive around Woodgrove ave. Want them to see how other people celebrate halloween, how they decorated their houses with halloween decoration.

At night, family gathering. we had a big meeting.

on sunday morning, went back to the library again. the children borrowed some books, then we went to brewerkz. the children were not exactly hungry so did not ordered the pizza for them.

in the evening, we went to uncle john's house for steamboat dinner. well, only a small episode of unhappiness came out. argued over giving tin her dinner. the story:
gor yee and uncle john asked mum if tin ate her dinner. mum said no need, becos tin doesn't eat dinner. she ate a lot in the afternoon and she doesn't want to eat dinner. but gor yee and uncle john insisted. then mum said something that the maid lives with her, she knows the maid. and mum walked away from the dining table. then uncle john continued, mum continued and blah blah blah. i couldn't stand it, i just blurted in chinese 'the maid is only with us 2 years, 2 years later she will go back. she is like an outsider, do not let her ruin our family relationship.'

from where i'm sitting, i can see tin sitting in the kitchen. gor yee gave tin a plate of food. tin left it beside the sink. i shouted into the kitchen 'tin, auntie gor yee gave u food to eat, u better eat it now. dun put it aside.' inside my heart, i was fuming at her.

well, in retrospect, each of us started with something good. uncle john and gor yee is because they care for the welfare of the maid. for mum, she knows that the maid doesn't eat dinner, so she didn't want the food to be wasted. for me, i just want everyone to remember that hey, we are still a family, no point argue over this outsider.

so eventful night, but ended peacefully.