Thursday, April 29, 2010

was searching youtube for vonda shepherd's songs, when i come across this song, 'end of the world.'
with the music at the background and reading the comments, it was so apt

particularly like this comment:

Memories of the late 1990's when Ally Mcbeal was on TV... I relate to this song because the love of my life said goodbye to me and fell out of love and it truly was the end of the world.....and yes life goes on the way it does but the sadness never really goes away.

i totally agree, we all know that after a breakup, life goes on.... but it's the sadness that never really goes away.
ok, a few things:

1) was distracted this morning while thinking of something, so as i fill up the water bottle at the water cooler, i scalded myself.

2)met up with aunt sally yesterday afternoon.... thanks for the book. it was good because u were right, our different lives have caused us to not able to catch up with each other for a looooooooong time. i will read the book with an open mind.

3)after we go our separate ways, i stopped by SK jewellery.... mmm, mother's day present settled. i also bought myself something, heehee.... it was kind of a luxurious to have bought something for myself... but since it's on sale, not 4 digit.... aiya, for the hard work i've put in..... and remember we distributed grandma's jewelleries and i got her diamond ring? i may bring down to SK and see if they can repair it.

4)one thing that we discussed yesterday about change... how people change without realising.... we talked about how grandma had changed in the last 10 years of her life without her realising it...

i also realised that i've changed. what makes me suddenly realise was what you mentioned about the things i did for grandma when i was younger. i really did not remember. now, i always think of myself that i do things for myself, if not, for my children, but it's always thinking on the practical side, does it benefit me? why should i help others when i couldn't even help myself? so when u told me that last time, when grandma wanted to buy something, u said that i would put down whatever i'm doing and go and ask grandma what she wants to buy, it was a surprise to me.... i didn't know i was like that last time. becos now i'm always asking mabel to do things for me.... i really didn't know, and i kind of like miss that little sweet and kind San who grandma used to know.

人在江湖,身不由己

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

marcus took back his challenge juz now. So now he will do assessment books to practise for his exams. so sorry, those who take side bets with me, we have to cancel the bets.
this morning in the car, marcus blurted out that doing assessment is like practising, practising for the exams. wah, i wasted no chance in telling him

precisely that is why i need him to practise his school work. then i bring in the example of him playing his golf, learn to play golf, but no practice, how to improve?

my driving, if i learn driving, pass driving, never practise, how to improve?

if we never practice, we will not only not improve but it will become worse, then i use mil as an example to illustrate to marcus. Yes, the practice is difficult, but once u give up, it will become worse.

i asked him to reconsider his challenge and he will give me the answer later today.

sigh, trying my very best to make him wake up. u know the suffering i have in me, on one hand, i know i'm taking a big risk as i'm using his results as a gamble. but i know, i have to give him some challenge. i know that he may have to learn things the hard way. it's really difficult to be a mum.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

this morning, asked marcus to some assessment as exams are round the corner. while doing, he was in total agony and took a long time to do a few questions. i got a little fed up and started to nag. he cried. after a whole lot of talking, explaining, finally, marcus and i had a contract. i told marcus it's an experiment.

it goes like this:
marcus believes that without doing assessment, aka, practices, he can still score 70 marks and above for his english, maths and science.
mummy thinks that without doing assessment, marcus will score 70 marks and below for his subjects.

the deal:
if he scores 70 marks and above, mummy will not ask him to do assessment.
if he scores 70 marks and below, he will have to do his assessment.

who do you think will turn out the winner? i'm taking side bets here. 1:1 for betting mummy will win.... 1:3 for betting marcus will win, no, let me up it to 1:5.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Ok, walked along river from riverview hotel to Clarke quay. Though a bit hot, the walk is good. Must show 2 pictures.




Zoom in to rodyk street godowns, this is before.




This is after.

It was the picture and the actual standing at that area that makes me feel sad that environment changes.

I remembered when I used to go newsroom bar, condo the pier was juz being built, today I walked past it and realize, shit, the building is built, and fully occupied.

Life goes on, people change, environment change, I, too, change.


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Was at grand copthorne waterfront, had a stroll along the river this morning. It was a good walk. Only thing marred by water pollution that I saw in the river.







Was reading the board, summarize. This part has changed so much since it was a quay. Now, there are so many private residences that spruce out here. I juz felt sad about the change.

Dunno why I feel sad, am I a stubborn person who dun like change? I disagree, I think I'm rather flexible, adaptable, today I juz pause and look back, I juz felt sad that with fast changing world, we sometimes have to sacrifice the old.



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After this incident, It makes me feel all the more, why am I a human?

I have to work damn hard for a living, worried for my offsprings, worse, human relationship is a damn difficult thing to handle. Human interaction us so complex. U have to be hypocrite and act nice to ur superior, u always have to be on ur guard. It's really really tiring to be human. Frienship relationship kinship enemy workplace relationship, wt*

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Friday, April 23, 2010

this morning, i almost ended up like the nobody mv guy....

this morning, LS... (a few days ago, i juz blogged about constipation, now i'm blogging about LS), so went into one of the cubicle. i was about to take off my pants, (in fact, it was halfway already as LS) then i looked at the toilet paper roll, it's empty. heng ah, i checked. quickly pulled up my pants and then went to the other cubicle.

really cannot imagine what would happen if.... 'hello, anybody there?' haha, that would be hilarious!!!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

random thoughts

i'm really beginning to like Macbook.

i went to the toilet just now to really squeeze out my 'constipated stuff'. feels so good.

focus, get work done.

Constipation, m is late by a day.

Recently max had been disrupting my sleep by waking me up 3x in the night to go toilet, apply lotion for him and the last one, it must be very near to my morning call, like 15 mins before morning call, he has to wake me up. Argh!

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010


It is raining heavily now. It will be good to walk in the rain, to wash my troubles away

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The breeze is good, it helps me to think, it helps me freshen up.

I really think I'm a total failure, 35, wat have I achieved? If I have achieved, why am I sad?

I think I fail at work, I fail as a mum, I fail as a daughter, in law, a sister, a wife. I'm selfish, I only think of myself.

I wonder why I even exist as a human, I should be an animal, juz be slaughtered and be eaten.

Maybe from the day my father left me, I'm scared. Very scared. Really didn't understand that if he loved me, why he left? Was it me? Did I do anything wrong?
Maybe all these years of fending on my own, have made me into a selfish person, I only think for myself. All these years of nobody acknowlegding the things I do has made me to have low self esteem.



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Monday, April 19, 2010

today is april 19, today is monday. knew it when the morning started out bad, with that car tailgating me... spoil my whole day, spoil my whole week.
nbcb, early in the morning, dun tailgate me.... buay tahan, tailgate me, never mind, then from behind, cut into the right lane, and then purposely didn't give me a chance to change to the right lane.

so retribution, i knew that it wanted to cut into the right lane to overtake the lorry in front, so now my turn. from behind, i cut into the right lane and didn't give u a chance to come into the right lane.

nb, early in the morning and early in the week, dun come and play this kind of game with me. what do i gain in the end? i know, nothing, some old people may say this is childish and dangerous, but heck. i like it and i get the kick out of doing it.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

success is sweet!!!!

think i'm really in mid life crisis, need challenges, otherwise just feel that life is mundane.

sigh, still the same old question, why do i come to earth as a human being? some religion say that to be reincarnated as human, it's previous life's good deeds, reincarnated as animals is previous life's bad deeds.

so why did God create man after He created earth?

u see, being human, u give yourself so many restrictions. yes, becos we are human being, we are suppose to have self control. There is some kind of animal instincts in us... things like mating.... we are no different from animals... we need to mate... so do animals.

we defend ourselves, no different from animals, who will defend and fight back for their territories. we defend and fight for our families. Humans need to be loved, just like animals, but loving a human is so much more complicated than loving an animal. give animal a little, they loved u back unconditionally.

the only difference is animals do not need to control their emotions, humans do. when we release our emotions, people will judge us. when animals release their emotions, they are not judged. so it's so much more easier to be an animal. no need for clothings, no need to go manicure.

Friday, April 16, 2010

it's 940pm, tired. after work, went straight to giant for dinner and some groceries. kao, take this take that, add up to $200 plus.

came home. good to have a nice hot bath, feels so refreshed and so good. legs are tired, mentally also tired. just want to stone and not do anything.

but end up still checking emails and blogging. sigh, i juz can't get away from the Macbook and internet.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

WTF,

i log in 9am to buy jay chou's concert, its website is jam. then only to find out ocbc cards then got privilege.

then went to sistic outlets to queue, the queue so long, never move. now 4pm check, the tickets are all sold out!!!!!! WTF

okok, cool, forget it, it's fated......nvm, can always buy the dvd to watch.
today is 14 april, have u file your income tax? today is wed, have u bought your 4d? today is 14 april, have you.... have you... have you.....

why is life full of deadlines? needless to say, many many deadlines for work. in life, i guess we have our deadlines too. deadline to get married, deadline to have kids, deadline for your life. ok, i dun mind the last deadline, in fact, i would be looking forward to the last one.

sometimes u ask yourself, why do i come into this world? well, we don't have a choice, we were born. so we asked, what have i accomplished in my life? i'm not asking about great achievements like Mother Theresa.... i've, yeah, get married, have kids, have a stable job, have an average life. have i made a difference in other people's lives? i dunno, no one told me. sometimes i wonder if i do the right thing by bringing my children to the world. next time, when they grow up, they will be asking the same question as i asked, why do i come into this world?

life gives us many challenges and problems to solve, without them, life will be dull. with them, life is so difficult, why why why? why do humans have to go through these? 生老病死,four simple words, but in between, so much more is involved. suffering, happiness, gratitudes, realisation, greed, blah blah blah... sigh, i wonder what is my deadline for my life? how many more years do i have? how long more do i have to go?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

jay chou is having a concert on 24 July. ticketing starts tmr!!!! should i or should i not?????
already a quarter of the year is gone, soon a third of the year will be gone, 2 more months is my birthday.

gosh, life definitely flies when you are supposed to be enjoying your life. wait till we are older, lao kok kok, when life does not fly by, when it's time to enjoy life, then u find that you have this illness, that illness. What sort of life are we living, man?

still that same old statement, live life to the fullest. Do not wait until life has passes you by, then u regret you should have done this, done that.

choices, attitudes, responsibilities. remember spiderman? with power comes responsibilities. but the aunt forgot to tell spiderman, with power, you make choices, you decide your attitudes, then comes responsibilities along with the choices you made, thereby facing the consequences of your choices.

Monday, April 12, 2010

have u done your income tax returns? juz completed income tax return for myself and for lao gong. at least a load off my mind.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

there is a sale going on at bilabong. if you are ready to brave the crowd and wait in line for the waiting room, then go ahead. got to shop smart. definitely a lot of guys snapping up the shirts and sweaters and caps and shoes. lao gong bought 2 t shirts and a sweater.

for myself, the kids and lao gong drank some water at nearby stall, while i go to the shop to see if i can get any bargains. manage to buy 2 skirts, eh, they are a little mini, a little short, now on second thoughts, i wonder if i will wear them. i also bought a long sleeve cotton t-shirt, bought mabel a skirt and a t shirt and bought a small haversack and a small handbag.

mmm, there are 2 changing rooms, it's a little crowded outside, u worry if when u are changing halfway, someone may accidentally brush against the curtain, then ta da! free show.

evening time, wonder what is for dinner.

sigh, tmr is sunday, then monday, i can already feel the monday blues
woo hoo!!!! settled my mixpod..... sense of great achievement.

pat on the shoulder, San, slow and steady but surely, you will be able to do it. who needs a man? haha, there i go again.

these few days at work, been discussing with male colleagues about COE and cars. eh, is there something wrong with me? i should be discussing about the latest fashion, shopping, facial blah blah blah with females....

i think i should go and inject myself with more feminine hormones. the only feminine side of me is i want more BABIES!!!!!

aiyo, my mind is in a state of confusion..... it's like the X and Y arguing now.

okok, accept it, i'm a lady, just that i'm not that inclined to feminine stuff. i think i must be a man in my previous life. WT * to be reincarnated as a woman???? haha, joking, juz a thought. accept accept accept, this is you, no need to change and continue with what you like best!

ending statement: who needs a man?

Friday, April 09, 2010

exhausted. going to sleep. tomorrow another saturday, tomorrow another boring day.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

realise my mixpod is not playing song. still fixing up the problem. dunno what has went wrong. juz does not play.
just now during dinner, lao gong was telling me about this customer who took the taxi with his daughter. His daughter is about 9 years old. It seems like parents are getting a divorce. Then in the taxi, the father asked the daughter whether she has decided to follow the mother or the father. The daughter didn't say anything.

i told lao gong, i was asked that question when i was in primary 1. i watched my parents quarrel, i heard their quarrels, sometimes they shouted at each other. there was once i saw my father strangled my mum's neck. can you imagine, i can still remember the scene. i didn't understand why 2 adults who said they loved each other, married each other and have kids, can quarrel until like that. is it becos there was no more love between them already? as an adult now and reflecting on my own marriage, would we come to a point where we quarrel so loudly and strangle each other's neck?

back to my parents, then the inevitable came. mum packed her luggage and she left. but she came back 5 mins later and i was asked that million dollar question, 'who do you want to follow, daddy or mummy?' as usual, i kept my mouth shut. but i didn't purposely ignore, in my heart, i was thinking, how can i choose, one is my father and one is my mother.

then mum didn't leave, she stayed. but i know from then on, their relationship should have gone downhill. until one fine day, when i was in pri 2, yup, about a year later. i came home from school and was surprised to see my father at home and my uncle, that would be my father's brother. he was packing his clothes. then i asked him, daddy, u going to another country.

he carried me and put me on his lap, he told me that he's leaving. he told me that he had to leave, he's leaving my mum, but he still love me. i knew he cried because his tears dripped onto my leg. at that time, i could only cry, i did not know why i didn't ask him to stay. i juz cried. before he left, he gave me a hug, then i watched him leave the house. i could only cry silently. i didn't understand what was happening then. recalling this scene.... mmm

reflection: i do not know how my parents' divorce had affected me. i knew that until a few years later, i still cannot accept. i would always look at other children and envy that they have a father, i would ask why isn't my family complete?
i've heard of how the high probability that my own marriage may end up in divorce too, i was apprehensive about marriage, i did think and consider before i got married.
even if i stay married together, i'm not sure if my parent's divorce still has an impact on me or not. it may impact me indirectly, i dunno.
but one thing for sure, it has impacted me in the way i am. from young, i'm more exposed to female figures in the family. i did not have a male figure. man has always been absent in my upbringing. hence i learnt to take care of myself, i do not depend on others, i'm used to doing most things myself. i'm used to depending on myself. i'm used to be the loner. maybe that impact me in a way, i know i will survive in event if my marriage is not successful. i think i would not be like some woman who will die if their spouse died or leave them.

would i allow a man to love me now and take charge over me? would i start to learn to depend on the man? i don't know. maybe i will, but only for a while, i'm quite sure that within a few hours, i'll be back to my normal self.

is this good or bad? i don't have the answer.
this blog was started with 'i was asked the same question when i was in pri 1'

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


Had the most ex lunch or should I say tea break today. $12 hor fun and a pot of floral tea. Total $16 plus.
( hey Sis, not as ex as ur durians)

I like the tea. It has forget me not, rose. Suppose to have calming effect. Hopei dun have to hit the cigarettes to calm myself down.






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i'm really really really stupid and naive. i lose, u win.

i hate myself!
i'm so stupid and naive.
why did God create eve from adam? why is woMAN made from man?

on reflection, all my life, i've been a loner. i'm happy being alone, juz give me a laptop, internet connection, i can be alone. sometime i think i'm a little anti social. then why did i get married? why do i have children? i also dun understand why.

why is it that no man is an island?

i'm still the same old san my relatives knew when i was young, one who didn't like to talk, one who didn't like ask, one who always closes the mouth as if i have gold in my mouth.

then why the heck did i work what i'm working as now? why was i able to talk to strangers? i dunno.

who is the real me? who is the real san? questions questions questions
tired of life, tired of living.
sad, depressed

people say i'm cheerful, very positive person... i guess, i can show that all, what for show them my unhappiness?

cheerful person also have its down.

anyway, i'm used to taking on everything. from young, since the day my father left the house, i've learnt to take care of myself. absent father figure, absent man figure in my life, i'm used to it.

i dun need a MAN.

i'm spouting nonsense. please excuse me. must be the heat, must be my roller coaster emotions, must be i think too much.
there is this poster


i think i no need to elaborate.

5 simple words, but not easy to carry out.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

can your love for your children surpass the love for your spouse?
Sometimes I ask

What is true love? How many people find true love?

I also ask why is loving someone so difficult?

Monday, April 05, 2010

There were more photos from the batam trip but it took a long time to upload as the file size is big. hence i only select a few photos and put it up on the blog.

well,i could easily share the photos on facebook, but i close my facebook account liao...

so it's almost 1 am, i'll go lie on the bed and try to sleep.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Batam 1st day

On a thursday morning, all of us set off excitedly to our vacation. We met at HarbourFront, took the ferry to Batam.



When we reached there, we had to check in first. Then we had lunch at the hotel's cafe. After that, we walked to a bowling centre nearby... hmm, actually it's quite a nice short walk, if not for the extra 750m we walked wrongly. Anyway, father in law had a great time bowling.














After that, as we had a late lunch and it's still too early for dinner, the children decided to go for a swim first. Max cut himself and was crying.




After dinner, we all went to one room and the children played and the adults talked and drank.

batam 2nd and 3rd day

After breakfast, we all went to the swimming pool to have a swim, including my father in law. My mother in law watched us from beside the pool. The children played water polo.







luckily we went swimming in the morning as it started raining after lunch. so after lunch, the children are tired and took afternoon nap. after dinner, we went karaoke. The children sang most of the songs.




The following day, we had some time before check out, as it was raining, so the children could not go swimming, hence i suggested to them to soak warm water in bath tub.
sometimes i feel that my children are learning my short temper and my impatience from me.

i agree that i've been impatient with them, i've been short tempered with them. i can see that marcus is learning that from me. he is sometimes impatient with max.

so is mabel.

天下没有教不会的小孩,只有不会教的父母。

Tonight I watch 小孩不笨2, but surprisingly, I didn't cry. I remembered the first time I watch it, I cried buckets of tears, but today, I dunno how many times, I didn't cry.

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Saturday, April 03, 2010

Farmart

ok, some pics taken from farmart:

putting on insect repellent and getting ready.

fish spa



ask the ch to eat some snacks, the face so 'bitter', it's not like we are poisoning them!


look at the retro bottles!


feeding the animals



i like the purple flower. the purple is very purplish.
alright, alright, i got the photos uploaded to iPhoto, so anytime i'm ready to upload the Batam pictures here.

iPhoto is cool. when i have the time, i'll also look at iWeb.... haha, too bad i deactivate my facebook account, otherwise from iphoto, i can easily upload the photos there to share.

mmm, should i reactivate the account...? just for uploading photos, mmm, no point.

have to bring mabel and max to see a doc, looks like they got the flu. max may be running a little fever.... last night he didn't sleep well, flu interferes with his breathing and he was a little frustrated last night and couldn't sleep. so i also didn't sleep well!!!!

Friday, April 02, 2010


Then on her wedding day, she left her groom and ran to the one she loved.

Will i have the same courage? I've given up once, will I do the same thing again, or will I...?

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Watching spiderman 2, the ending part in AXN.

Love story, he rescued her.

I remembered I cried at the end of the show. Them at the last part, they shared a nice moment at the end, and she leave him bcos she Is with another.how sad. Cried.

And he told her, 'we can never be together.' then she left spiderman, her fiancé came and they hugged. She looked at spiderman, and he left. Pain, very pain. Nice romantic story.

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I think i'm shopaholuc at heart. Went giant to do some grocery shopping, actually juz 2 items, milk powder & toilet paper and Issac presents, ended up buying a boot full of things.


Total bill 249. Ok, I Got $15 voucher. How did I end up buying so much? I also bought something for steff, myself, snacks, yogurt, instant noodles, soya milk, fresh milk.

K on way home now and may want to clean car. So dirty.


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Thursday, April 01, 2010

I do not understand why people dun like to wait at b2 carpark and not go down to b3 when there is ample space.


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