my soul just died this morning..... RIP 31.08.10

i scolded marcus this morning... it was just the tip of the volcano, what comes after was the real frustration that i felt.

actually since yesterday, i was not happy at work. in the afternoon, comes the news that Marcus lost his wallet. dormant volcano started to bubble inside. frustrated because mabel just lost her wallet a few weeks ago and it was also on a monday or tuesday, their allowance for the week is in the wallet. it's not the money issue. some adults advised me to give them daily instead of weekly, but the thing is i want to train them to learn to budget their money. yes, maybe they should not have bring the whole lump sum to school, as i said, it's not the money issue, it's the ezlink card that is inside the wallet that is troublesome. Some of us went through the hassle of losing wallet, we know it's always not the money issue, though it's painful, it's the card that is very troublesome to settle.

this morning, told marcus to keep his papers properly in the file. in the lift, as marcus turned his back towards me, i saw two big holes in his bag! the holes were made by the corner of the files! that blew my top!

1) there are two compartments in the bag, who puts the file in the front compartment. it was because he put his file in the front compartment, that's why the bag slant towards the front as he carries it and it cuts the school bag, therefore making the two holes. stupidity no. 1.

2) i just bought the school bag in june, it's only a term and he spoils a bag and it's a converse bag lor! not very expensive, below the $50 range.

reached ground floor, i really cannot stand the way he packs the bag, i rearranged his things in the bag at the table found near the lift lobby.

i told my children honestly, yesterday i was so close to resigning from my job but what stops me from resigning is the family. im sorry to use the word, the burden of the family makes me rationalise my thinking and i controlled my actions. i told the children i'm not happy at work, anytime, i may just quit from my work, then they better be prepared. i told them, please be appreciative of the things that we buy for them. it's not easy working and earning money.

after they alighted from the car, same old me started thinking and thinking. every time, we do so many things for the children, for others, think of others, control our actions. but it's so tiring. maybe maybe others have thought for me, considerate for me.... i just feel that how nice it is to let go now.... to totally let go now..... i went to see the doc for pills to help me relax and sleep at night..... the doc was asking me if he needs to refer me to see a counsellor, a psychatrist. i told him i'll reconsider.

i'm not happy at work, i'm not happy at home. i'm not happy....

sometimes i wonder if i have the courage to go... or if i can just do things for myself....myself....

didn't know mabel's homework was sudoku, so i thought she downloaded from somewhere, so i just did one puzzle. if i knew it was her homework, i would not touch it. swear

Didn't do much today, brought Mabel to replace her concession card, then realize must bring birth cert.
Anyway, called to to report loss of card, then the officer said actually her card is at the head office in maxwell, can go down and collect, so no need to do. So wasted my money to take her Id photos, chey


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Reading up more Australia information.

Tasmania was a penal colony.


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Used the afternoon and help marcus and Mabel to do teacher's day card.



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Now, waiting for glue to dry then we'll put it into envelope.


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mmmm, i'm always threatening marcus about throwing his hamsters away if he is so distracted by it. Last night, he gave me a note, the note goes like this:

Dear Mom,

To prevent animal cruelty, you have to watch this disturbing news in Youtube!

Mother of the Year 2010 candidate forces son to kill family pet for bad report card

Better think about it or else you will regret it! No replying allowed after reading.

Love Marcus


I was laughing and laughing after reading the note.

marcus didn't tell me that it was CA this week, until this morning i manage to find out why he does not have CCA today.

English paper was yesterday, i wonder what subject it is today. and for these two days, he is definitely not prepared. I hope it's not Maths today, he has to pass his Maths badly.

I cannot be there for him forever, one day, i will leave, how can i go with in peace?

Max cried again this morning, not allowing me to go to work. this morning, i'm smart, i did not hold his hands, tried not to have body contact with him.

yesterday evening after dinner, played some board games with Mabel and Max. it was quite fun... and we also have a few rounds of uno.

still recalling max's video 'lannies and jappermen', so funny.

this morning, max cried again. he held on to my hand so tight and refused to let me go to work. When i pushed his hand away, he cried even louder. i broke his heart, he also broke my heart. i cannot take this kind of pain every time i leave him. that parting pain, it cuts you deeply in your heart, not sure if you know what i'm talking about.

this morning, i left home at 630am, but i reach sch at 715am. why did i take 45 mins?

After marcus and mabel alighted, i made my way to school. i parked my car, i was about to switch off the engine when i received a call from mabel. She called me from school and said she had tummy ache. she said she wanted to go home. so before i had a chance to turn off the engine, i rushed off to fetch her from school and bring her home again. by the time, traffic is starting to be heavy. so end up, i reached school at 715am.

Mabel wanted me to park at hdb and go into the school to fetch her, i told her i dun have the time to do that and i told her i'm going to reach the bus stop soon, if she doesn't appear at the bus stop, i'll go. Also asked sopia to come down to bring her up.

so my head is very groggy now due to the lack of sleep. wish to quickly pass this day and go home to sleep or have an early night today.

i think i'm too stressed or tensed up at work... or work has been making be feel very tensed. yup, it's different. i'm not stressed by my work, i mean i can still handle the challenge, but work has been so much and it's affecting my mental well being.

I've been dreaming about my work almost every night i sleep. my body jerked at intervals during my sleep. Last night, i must have been woken up by a huge body jerk. Because after that, i could not sleep.... i looked at the time, 2 plus. toss and turn... even though i tell myself to go to sleep, i closed my eyes, but i know i'm totally not asleep because my mind is very active, i kept thinking of work.... and i remembered i thought of uncle peter in australia... like i was asking him to help me look out for work over there.

Does GP prescribes relaxant? i seriously need something to relax... and help me sleep better. i dun want to turn to alcohol to help me sleep better.... that's not good....

or do i need anti-depression medicine?

Dreamt about work, it was a nightmare to me. Woke up suddenly from dream, couldn't get back to sleep. It was only 2 am. Tossing and turning in bed still.


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New recipe for breakfast

Going to try this new recipe for breakfast I found on allrecipe.com

Preparation:


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Butter generously on one side.
Place face down in skillet.




Place cheese in between.
Butter another slice.
Place it face up.
Toast until golden brown.
Healthy tasty breakfast.




Taste crispy on the outside, the cheese melted inside.

Made 2 more for children to taste and they love it!
Marcus even came to hug me and kiss me, he is so cute.


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I ask a lot of questions to myself today. Again, I question work, question existence, question life. Same old questions.

There will not b a define answer, just have to pack my frustrated feelings and get on with life. No wonder some life sucks.


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Lao gong so sweet, scared too dark for me to mark, bring up a solar powered led light.


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After shifting max's bed to my room, last night, he slept on his bed. But he woke me up twice in the night, the first one was to go toilet, the 2nd one, I'm also not sure. Just cover him up nicely with the blanket.

This morning, he woke up when I woke up too. When we were about to leave for school, he gave me that pleading look to stay at home, he did not cry, but his face was sad. He stood in front of me and blocked my way. Again, he gave that pleading look, and refused to kiss me goodbye. My heart melted. I almost gave in to him.

When I finally walked out if the door, he cried. 'Mummy!' my heart broke.


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I cannot believe I'm doing gardening.


- hey I still remember my lashing.




My Rosemary plant. If only I can blog the smell.





My mint plant.






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Been an exciting and hectic Sunday.

1) went giant, settled whole week's breakfast.

2) went ikea, started recycling at home. Bought 3 bins for recycling. 3 categories are plastic/cans, paper and glass. 3 children tasked to ensure sustainability.

3) re arrange room furniture, brought max bed over to my room, now my desk us shifted in another orientation.




- 4) discusses kitchen design, may have to start renovating kitchen soon.

5) went to florist, going to re arrange garden plants outside. Btw, manage to buy a Rosemary plant and mint plant.



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I'm surprised at max's memory.
1) he remembers our Hp number.

2) he remembers he has been to the zoo with amk ah ma.

3) drinking wine, max said, papa, the Australia guy said that before drink must stir (swirl the wine in the glass), smell then drink.
Why he said that is because we attended a wine tasting class while we were in Australia.

He has a darn good memory. I cannot stand him


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I so hate it when equipment and machines are not working properly.


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Just noticed this morning that I have many black pants.


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National Day

stayed at home in the morning and afternoon. in the afternoon, i accompanied the children to play the rabbit game on wii, it was quite funny.

then in the evening, went to warren for dinner. at the same time, we watched the ndp while having dinner. also settled ser's b day present.

wonder when it will be delivered.

today is school holiday. tried to do some work, (hee, after so many days, i had ambitious plan to complete so much work during the long weekend)

later going to burn the offerings.... mmmm, wednesday blues.......

macus' birthday

woke up, went to tampines 1 to buy some more bottles of wine. then saw icing room, decided to buy a cake from there and little did i realise that you actually decorate your own cake. so max, me and lao gong had some fun decorating the cake.

in the afternoon, went to hospital to fetch mum back as she was discharged. then at home, the balloon was blown and decorated around the house.

went for a quick bath and await guests. We had food at the nearby coffee shop which we had pre ordered some dishes. glad that dad could make it too.

after that, we went back home, the children had champagne (non alcoholic) while some adults drank wine. soon, it was cake cutting. the cake was soft and spongy and nice.

marcus opened his presents after the guests left and immediately, he played the rabbit game on wii. i hope he enjoyed his celebration.

i was really tired that night.

mmm, been some time since i blog.... ok let's start from being sick.

on wed and thurs, marcus was sick so i took child care leave. so is mum. she was hospitalised from tues night for her persistent fever that did not go down. ran many blood tests and urine tests, juz could not find the cause of her infection.

on sat, went parkway parade to buy some wines in preparation for marcus' birthday. bought door gifts for children too. it was a hectic weekend.

Had a hard time asking max to go to sch. On one hand, I didn't want him to hate sch, on one hand, I need him to learn to handle.

He was so brave, when I bring him to sch, I knew he was holding back his tears. He made me want to cry also. I'm now sitting outside the sch. For a while, and I'll go later.


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I think if I were to ever leave this earth, I will not regret it.



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I'm very frustrated, angry. I learnt that tolerating is not working. I'm no great woman. I should not have tolerated, maybe i should have.... I dunno how others did it. Did they tolerate as well or did they embrace it and live with it? I have failed.

I feel like leaving home and go to a faraway place.


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Let me see, what an exciting day I have today. Marcus has two days mc. And mum is in hospital. Hope her results are good tmrw.


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brought max to school in the evening to find out more. Teacher's feedback was that he was alright in school until nap time. So to ease him into the school system, we will fetch him home from school at 1230pm. Teacher also feedback that he was a good boy and a clever one. He was the first one to answer the teacher's questions.

good for him, happy for him.

well, max enjoyed his first day in school, mmmm, i'm not sure. when i asked him about school, he doesn't seem to tell me abut his adventures excitedly. i think he is more glad that he is home and can play with his sibings.

He only cried when it's nap time. he said that he miss his brother. today i will allow him to bring his little pillow to school and hopefully that will ease him. In the night, he told me the teacher told him to bring bedsheet, blanket and pillow and milk powder. I've heard about bringing or buying the bedsheet thing from my sis in law, today i will ask the teacher.

yesterday afternoon, marcus and mabel dropped by max's school to see him when they are on the way home from school. I think both siblings are excited about max going to school. but when they reach there, it was pitch dark as it was nap time. lucky them, we chided them to stop doing that. We are just afraid that when they do this and if max sees them, he would may want to follow them them home.

juz called mil to ask how max was doing. he was ok, he was happy to go to school, he didn't cry. i wonder if he was having fun in school now.

Brought the kids to pasir ris park for cycling. Marcia and Mabel took the 2 wheel bike, we took a double bike and a single bike. So max get to sit behind while his papa cycle the double bike. It was drizzling today, it was kind of cool and a little cold cycling. Well, at least we didn't sweat.

Tomorrow, max is going to school, well he's excited.


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