Friday, December 31, 2010

4 more mins, y am I feeling so scared now? Arghhhhh


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did i mention i went for an interview for the job of an editor?

it was a good experience, though a totally new field.
They are willing to offer me the job, but by monday, i have to give an answer.

But yes, i'm glad i took the first step to step out of my comfort zone. It, alone, is an achievement for me. I'm proud of myself. I never knew i would be able to do another job and go for another job, after having stayed on for so long. So it just proves something, I'm able to walk out.
I'm fiddling with wikispaces for next year. This is one wiki that i had created for the LC group i'm heading (no choice, have to head) next year, yup, still in 2010.


http://ccsshumanitiesar2011.wikispaces.com/

childhood memories

i think i shall name some of the more important childhood memories i have, for fun, since this is the last day of the year:

1) my parents' divorce

2) i fell down from the upper level of the playground. There were many children, mainly 2 groups, playing catching. so i was the catcher for my group of friends. it just so happen that the other group was also playing catching. so what happened was we were all on the upper level and i was on this side with the other group. my friends were with the other group's catcher on the other side. so the other group's catcher made his first move, so the people here all panicked and ran, as they ran, i think someone pushed me and i was quite close to the edge, so i lost my balance and i fell over the ledge.

Stephanie remembered she saw that i was heading towards the ground with my head first, but somehow, i turned and when i landed, i landed on my buttocks and sat on the floor. i suffered many cuts on my shin, but no major concussion. the cuts were made by some rusty nails on this make shift ladder that was leaning against the playground. did i see a doctor? i can't remember.

3) stephanie and me, due to our carelessness, serena had a really deep cut on her lips, hee, i shall not elaborate, ser should know the rocking horse incident, we mentioned it to you before

4) oh yes, how could i forget this? i poured cooking oil into the fish tank!!!! i was looked after by my neighbour, i was so bored that i poured cooking oil into the fish tank and needless to say, the fish died!!!!! I got a real whack from my mum, kneel on the wooden washing board leh. this is only 1 of the naughty things i did in the house....
and can you imagine, last year, marcus' science exam paper, one question illustrate some naughty children pour oil into a fish tank and the question asks students to describe how the fish respond to this change. I was like..... "eh, marcus, your mummy did this long ago when i was a young kid." so embarrassing.

5) my father only caned me once. This same neighbour, I stole their money. It wasn't much, some coins, occasionally a dollar note. Why? to buy potato chips!

there are more, but i guess these five are the more important ones that is important. that is semantically not correct. I should say, these five are the more important ones that etched a deeper memory in me. wa, so powderful english, ha.
no, this is not going to be a resolution kind of posting, actually i don't really like resolution, mainly because i'm afraid of committing. I've learnt that when you are not ready, don't commit.

yes, i'm wondering why am i here blogging on the last day of the year 2010 and waking up at 4 plus and can't get back to sleep. if it's in the holidays, maybe i can easily fall back to sleep but holidays are ending soon, there are many things on your mind and when there are many things on your mind, you just can't sleep. must be lao gong's alarm clock that woke not only him but me up as well.

i just feel that i'm at this cross road in life, mid mid life crisis??? if i can recall, 10 years ago, around this time, i also had a major conflict with hubby. the reason why i remembered clearly because 10 years ago, i gave birth to Marcus, and there were many issues of even trying to look after him myself, so that's how the conflict came about.

(i suspect this is going to be a long post)

10 years later, major conflict again, this time, it's not about children, it's about family. have we ever had argument because of our differences? so far, maybe not, maybe minor ones, but it was quickly settled, because we could change ourselves to improve the situation. hey, come to think of it, we are quite compatible mah...... back to the topic, this year it is major, because we cannot change the external factors that cause the problem.

my thoughts are very random now.... i know when people read this, people will say, if cannot change the external factors, then accept it. accept, 6 letters, easy to say, easy to spell, difficult to carry it out. accept has this connotation of tolerating, to accept what you cannot change comprises of tolerate. tolerate has a negative connotation as compared to embrace. so maybe i should embrace the fact. but then again, maybe i'm not willing to embrace.

brought me back to something, people, family members, always say that i'm thoughtful lah, blah blah blah. i'm not that great nor that saint. Shit, i suddenly thought of this: is this God's way of calling me back to Him?

back to topic and summarise, as i was saying: at this cross road of relationship with hubby, make or break? maybe some people are right, when things go wrong, i always go back to myself and ask what have i done wrong? so here i am, asking myself what have i done wrong, what have i not done enough?

brings back memories that is very painful.... i have never really confronted the effects of a divorce on the children. i'm questioning and questioning myself, what were the effects? i'm not putting the blame on my parents, just trying to find a relationship between my character and my childhood experiences.

do i fear losing the one i love? yes, i do, i lost my father, i didn't have a choice, so there is this fear of losing someone i love, so maybe that's why i need assurance.
that's also probably why i change myself, i question myself when things go wrong... maybe from young, i have this subtle thinking that if i were better, would daddy have left? did i not do enough to stop him from leaving?
having an absent male figure as i grow up, maybe it has taught me to be more independent.

one important thing i realise: when a couple still choose to be together in a marriage, it means that there is still love. yes, maybe you have to search further, but i'm sure it is there, because from my parents' experience, i can now answer why my father left. there was no more love, no more hope in the marriage. I, his child, am not even enough to make him feel that he has a duty to stay on in the marriage. he has really lost hope.

yes, maybe there are marriages out there which continued on because of duty. but i question, are they happy? why make themselves so unhappy, clinging on? My dad really has the courage, i wondered where he got the courage to leave. I mean, i cannot imagining myself coming home one day, packing my clothes and leaving the house.

actually i almost did last friday, i took my handbag and in my t shirt and shorts, i wanted to walk out.... but marcus and mabel stopped me.

so back to questioning my own marriage: is there still love in the marriage? or am i still here because of children? i do not see any future nor hope at the other end, so now is plan b or plan c, yes, plan c was conceived yesterday. i have no answer even when the year is ending, though i hope to resolve it, i guess again, things just continue on because it's just my nature to think for this person, think for that person and in the end, sigh. maybe my resolution for next year is to spare a thought for myself.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Reflection II

What have I accomplished this year?
1) manage to save Marcus' results in 2nd half of the year. He actually has good progress award! Applause, please.

2) started to love cooking! Recipes, trying out the dishes, thanks to all my 'guinea pigs'.

3) manage to do some changes to the interior of house.

4) personal wise, I think I've thought through many things

5) Mabel has developed. In what sense, maybe character, EQ.

6) max, he has grown. Definitely grown.

What do I want next year?
Just want children to grow up happily, my sincere wish for them.

They should not be burdened with adult's problems.

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Reflection

One more day, end of 2010. What is your feeling?

I used to feel sad when I was younger, because a new year means new school term. I had this feeling before, on 31 dec, in the last hour, I wanted so much to hold on to the time and never let it go.

There was also a time when i look forward to the new year because the year was so bad.

There was also a time when there was no feelings.

So are you feeling sad or happy that the new year is coming?


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I will post more pics of the kitchen tomorrow, before 2010 ends. later, when i'm bored, i'll be reflecting and posting about 2010.

yup, as can be seen, pierce ears is taken off the wish list. have finally brought myself and mabel to pierce ears, i just need a little push to get it done.

Mabel didn't cry at first when her first ear was pierced. AFter the other ear was pierced, and the lady asked her to look into the mirror the final product, she started crying. i think she needed to cry out her fears. probably, she's crying and in her heart saying, mummy, u finally brought me to pierce my ears after mentioning about it for a year!!!!!!!! maybe she was crying out her frustration with me.

i don't think i need pics for this, right? crazy to take pics of your own ears.....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I need my pills to help me sleep again. I can't se to sleep at night and I woke up damn early in the morning.

Last night, told myself to sleep early, but in the end, slept at 1230. Set alarm clock at 630, woke up at 530. So now blogging, what a fish!


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Saturday, December 25, 2010

A letter to my children

Dear Marcus Mabel and max

I'm sorry that u have to hear daddy and mummy quarrel.

When people live together, when they interact, there are bound to have conflict, then it leads to quarrel.

But when daddy and mummy quarrel, that does not mean that it's your fault. It doesn't mean that we don't love u.




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I don't like being disturbed when drinking.


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What so good about the christmas?

I hate Christmas!




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Friday, December 24, 2010

So cute, the children help me cook lunch


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Wednesday, December 22, 2010




-
Brought the boys for haircut in the morning.

Then we had breakfast, and after changing, we went to

White sands to buy school bag for Mabel, $80

Century square, school shoes for all three of them $117.

I bought myself a pair of wedges, $23

Then kiddy palace, more shoes, ben 10 ones, for marcus and max, socks for max. $116

Now we are having lunch. Can u imagine, 1 adult and 3 children, we ordered so much food, $77 and we were so hungry. We decubitus can finish the food.

We ordered a bowl of noodles for Marcus, a bowl of noodles for Mabel and max, I ordered soup. Shared food are 10 pcs of dumplings, fried wanton, drunken chicken, fried prawn pancake. And we are still eating.

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last night, i didn't have the courage to speak with lao gong, reason being because mil's health seems to be deteriorating and it seems not so appropriate to bring it up now.

but i know things are building up and if i do not bring it up sooner, my volcano will erupt and impacts will be devastating. and this morning, things have escalated a bit and i was a little fed up, i already blurted out to mabel, one of these days, if i cannot take it any longer, i'll pack my luggage and go. like now, i'm trying to beat the lunch crowd to bring my children to shopping malls to do some get-to-school shopping, but no one is at home. i can't just leave the contractors at home.

sorry, kids, sometimes the reality of life. no, lao gong doesn't read my blog, i wonder if he bothers. yes, children read my blog and i'm apologising first.

who created the stupid marriage vows?

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

it is so easy to say for better or for worse, in good times and bad times. does this person who created the marriage vows, marrying someone is not just marrying the person, many baggages come with the person. what if, for example, the person you marry, turns out to be a compulsive gambler and abuse you? for better or for worse....

i'm no saint, so i salute those people who can really stick to their marriage vows.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I had some inspiration tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I'll negotiate or discuss some issue with Lao gong


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This morning, I had a sudden urge to clean up my room. As I was cleaning, this quote I saw struck me

I can't decide where I want to go until I know where I am.

I guess this spells correctly my sentiments. I want to go, to leave, but until I know where I want to go, where I am, then I'll leave, I'll go.

As I was cleaning the furniture, I really hate photos frames wif pictures. I'm not one who likes to fill my house with family photos, not because I don't love them, but it collects dust and occupies space!

Ok, back to chores

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The three siblings have been spending a lot of time together lately. Past few nights this week, max has been going to their rooms to sleep. Sometimes they play and laugh so loudly late into the night, I have to go over to ask them to sleep.

Hope they are happy together.

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

3 years, how did I do it these 3 years? I dunno. I dunno how long I can hold on. How did I become what I am today, behave in this way, I also dunno.

What I'm doing now, am I doing the right thing or I'm wrong, I also dunno.

I only have this strong desire to leave, this is the 2nd time this month.

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Saturday, December 18, 2010




- work in progress 2










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Why on earth do I have:

3 rice cooker
2 flasks
3 kettles
A doz of those big round plates which I hardly use
12 big packets of tissue paper
2 first aid kit
???

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

My kitchen, work in progress 1







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Aftermath of partying

I must admit, I'm old. My legs and feet are aching like mad now! Please, chop them off.

It was Mabel and max that SMS me at 12 midnite to ask me if I'm on my way home. Then they called me at 1230am. Mmmm, I will remember this. Next time, don't let mummy call you at 12 plus and ask you if you are on your way home.

This morning, max asked me a lot of questions, aiyo, he is such a nag.

I think I need a few months to recuperate from this party nite out.

In the meantime, chop off my legs!


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Before renovation




-Mess





Last look at my dark dark kitchen

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After merchant, I went to st James power house , the music was powerful, I so totally enjoy myself. There was even Cantonese fast song by the band.

It was refreshing, it has been a long time. It was nice. I think I'll leave At 3 am


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Monday, December 13, 2010

max woke up at 530am to pee. after that, he woke up at 600am and told me he wanted to pang sai. i was ok, as i was sitting in the toilet, i was actually half asleep, waiting for him to finish the business. In the end, he told me, there is no pang sai, but he did fart a lot. so washed hands and we both went back to sleep.
last night, i watched Twilight on HBO till 1 am plus. at first, i saw twilight and i recall the hooha when the movie premiered. I thought it was another one of those teen movies, or worse still vampire movie. It was about a vampire, right? so i decided to put my prejudice aside and watched the show.

It was actually a rather interesting love story. although what strongly attracts the male, who is the vampire, to the girl and what strongly attracts the girl to the vampire was not very clear.

i was attracted to the love between the girl and the vampire. The things they say to each other, the intense feeling they have for each other. she wanted to be a vampire to be together, forever with him. but the vampire didn't want her to suffer by becoming a vampire even though they can be together.

there's definitely a sequel to this movie, i'll definitely catch the sequel.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

121210

i finally know what is life. really, live life fullest, for yourself. live for others, what for? just leave, yes, not live, leave.
wtf, put poll, only 2 put in answer. 1 is me and the other one, i don't know who.

i might as well shut down my blog.
today brought max to orientation, he's still a little worried, but i guess, he'll slowly get used to it.

environment changes, dun say people. people have more changes, and if you can't accept the change, just leave it and go. i wish i have the courage to go.

just let go of me and let me free.
some may think life is beautiful. in reality, life sucks, live for yourself!

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I think max got the stomach flu. He poop poop many times in a day and his poop poop is watery.

I think I got the 'virus' fm him. Now is my 3rd time to poop poop today and it's watery. Last night, it was like that too.


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i stupid hor, still go back to work... i just cannot stay home, i'll go crazy, nagging at the children. on tuesday, lao gong's taxi broke down, so he was at home. so he heard me,

brush teeth, already?
taken your breakfast already?
bathe already?
aiyo, no quarreling, if you continue to quarrel, no more games.
etc etc etc

so on tuesday, went to buy taps for the kitchen, check out fridge and bought a new vacuum cleaner. have i said these before? why does it sound familiar?
on Saturday, actually brought a friend, Uncle Victor from Sydney for breakfast and lunch. He was a good host when we were in Sydney so now that he is in sg, we have to return back the favour.

so in the morning, went to the block to fetch him, but this blur mr tan, wrote down the wrong block number. Luckily, he has our handphone number.

we brought him to jalan kayu to eat roti prata, followed by a ride at Singapore Flyer. Then for lunch, we brought him to have taiwan porridge at toa payoh.

It was a good catch up time.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Yesterday brought children to library to borrow books and marcus spend the whole day reading his books.

Today, went to buy water tapa fir the kitchen sink and balcony sink. After that, went to courts to look for fridge. After taking down some notes, went to see vacuum cleaner. By then, I'm dead tired. When I look at again there are so many choices, I headache. In the end, quickly made a choice, I just want to go home and rest.

Sometimes I hate having too many choices, I usually zoom in on two choices, weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. Short and sweet


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Friday, December 03, 2010

i was just thinking, for ladies, we don't mind spending money on a good bra, because it's the closest to our skin and because it supports one of our most important asset, the breast! ok, why i say important asset is because it gives ladies our self confidence.

i didn't say it's THE most important asset, i just say it's one of our most important asset. ha... cover cacang (backside).....

ok, so today's topic will be on bra. We all know that there are different types of bra, different colours. Some of our breasts just cannot take certain types of bra. Trust me, it's true. I do not look good wearing those half cup bras.
btw, i have one more do nots when it comes to wearing bra. I hate it when the sponge is spoilt, then when you wear the bra, you can see the 'dent'. and you get upset because it's one of your favourite bra.
Long ago, in Bangkok, i bought one bra that has many ways of tying it and wearing it, i tell you, it was good at that time of wearing, but in the end, i only wore it once. It's still in my cupboard. after so many years, i'm still clueless as to how to really make full use of it.
ok, that's 3 points i've mentioned above. One more point, you know, sometimes, how your bra strap shows a little when you are wearing your clothes? mmm, i think it's perfectly ok. don't feel paiseh about it, just keep a straight face and push back the strap. No need to have a paiseh face. actually come to think of it, if you are braless, then there is no worries of bra strap showing!!!! Good idea???

okok, let's talk about favourite bra.
Besides the comfort level it gives us,
when it comes to your favourite bra, does it go by
1) colour: are there some coloured bras that you must have? like nuke, white, black?
2) type: are there some bras you must have? full cup, half cup, deep v? strapless?
3)material: are there some that you must have? lacy, cotton?

ok, to answer my own questions above, ( i will post the questions in the poll, do put in your answers, dun worry, your identity is secret)
first, i do have bras that i only wear for working and some on weekends, reason being, for working wise, the bra needs to be comfortable. so i get very upset when there was a week, domestic helper forgot to wash up the bra and it really spoils my mood for the day.

1) out of the three colours, i do have one or two of each colour, but my favourite, black, reason, it fits with most clothing. but if i want to be more adventurous, red. but red is quite limited in terms of once you wear the red one, it limits your outing covering in terms of colour.

2) as said, i mostly go for full cups or 3/4 cups due to the natural endowment i have. probably a push up one.
http://odyb.net/discoveries/29-common-types-of-bra-designs-and-their-functions/
wa, check out this website for the different types of bra.
since there are so many types of bra, i'll not ask it in the poll.

3) for comfort wise, cotton. but actually i prefer lacy ones. uh ummm, sorry to mention this on my blog, but lacy ones kind of gives me a turn on.

ok, poll time. i think i will set the setting so that you can click on more than one option.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Tonight brought children to watch walking with dinosaurs.

The males in the family enjoyed it. Marcus was marveled by it, he said he will blog.

But it was quite real.

At the end of the show, I wonder why nobody shouted 'encore!'??? Ha, I wonder what it would be like for the dinosaurs to do an encore.


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So fast, 2 more months is cny Liao. 30 more days and we will sing auld Lang sync.

Juz feel, time passes by fast.


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