Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Forgiveness

Was SMS ing my dad. I suddenly asked him some personal questions about that time, that time he decided to leave this family. I know SMS is not a good way of communication but then that's not the point.

In one SMS, he actually asked for forgiveness. I quickly replied him that since we grown up, we did not hold it against him. I think not only he is relieved, I am also relieved to have put down something that has been weighing on my heart for so long.

Then I realised, so sad, I never really talk to my father on this.

Thoughts

Looking at my parents,

1) my dad had an operation. But I was not worried because he was in good hands, looking at how auntie took care of him.

2) my mum had a surgery. But I was worried because she's alone. Though she seems independent, able to look after herself. But being woman, I think deep down inside, she would want someone to care for her. Not her children's kind of care. U know, that someone special to care for her.

So now the thing is it's sad to grow old alone. But the thing is, would my dad be happy growing old in this family? Did he make the right choice?

At that time, I'm sure he went through a lot, people may think of him as selfish, heartless. Really admire his courage. I really never had a heart to heart talk with him. God, talking about my dad is making me tear.

Ok, I'm being emo. I shd stop. What happened to him and mum is a thing of the past. I should not be so emo about it.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Chapters of a storybook

Our life is like a storybook. For those who are six feet underground, their story has ended.

Some chapters were easy to write, some chapters, writer's block, very difficult to write. Some chapter are long, some chapters are short. Some chapters, we may want to annex it. Some chapters, we may not want to end it.

So how do I want to write my chapters?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What do I want in life?

Someone post me this question. I guess it's the same as what is your motivation in life? Because if u know what u want, then you have the motivation to work towards it.

So what if what i want in life is not possible? I've lost the motivation. I have nothing now, can't even live in my dream. Or was it really time to wake up from my dream?

Whatever it is, people have told me to move on with life. I know I'm not facing the reality, because I know I don't have the courage to.

So, in the meantime, without any motivation and yet have to carry on with life, Sandra is dead.

RIP, Sandra. 19/9/2012, 1310hr.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Endearment to F&N

I grew up with this familiar icon, F&N. The glass bottled drinks and to as an adult, sometimes nutrisoy.

After a levels, I worked part time at north point, data entry. That was my first realization that the beverage F&N was more than a drink. It has properties as well. Then Tiger, heneiken became my beverage at night.

Marshall cavendish, a publisher whom I am familiar with. We had reception on the roof top of Times publishing house when new textbooks was launches. I even went for an interview at Marshall cavendish. The staff was friendly, he advices me not to park at that particular lot as there would be bird shit later on.

Hence in my life, at some point of time, we have linkages with F&N. So, to read about Thaibev acquiring ABP, I feel sad. Now the battle to acquire ABP has turned to bidding for F&N Because, if he were successful, F&N could be split up and sold off.

I'm not good at maths. I'm no business man. I'm more emotional. Just feel a tinge of sadness if F&N were to be sold off. It's like tearing pieces off from a body and selling the various part to various people who could offer a good price for it.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Every school, a good school

Am pleasantly surprised with the sweeping changes announced at work plan yesterday.

There have been talks about teaching a child differently. But if assessment does not change, then it is not going to change how we teach a child.

Hence, with new hopes and moving in the new direction, I hope it changed the mindset of parents too.

So that no matter which school your child goes to, every school, a good school. Not just the branded schools are good schools. Or even the notion that teachers from branded schools can teach well and therefore are good teachers.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Nightmare

I couldn't sleep. I remembered switching off the tv at 425am. Then I slept. But it's only 452am, and I'm up blogging. I woke up fm a nightmare.

The nightmare felt so real. I dreamt that there was a guy singing out from the alarm clock. No matter how soft or how I turned it off, the man kept singing and singing. I had no choice and I shoved the alarm clock into the mini fridge that was in my room. When I turned around, I saw Adrian wearing a white hooded jacket and he had the hood over his head and he was sitting up, on the bed. And he was mumbling something in Cantonese, some three worded phrase and he kept repeating it. I walked towards the bed and lie down, and realised Adrian was mumbling in his sleep. But he looked horrifying with the hood over his head.

That was when I woke up. For a moment, I thought it was real. First thing, I looked over and checked. No white hood jacket man sitting on the bed. Next, I actually tell myself to check with kelvin if anybody could plant something in the alarm click and control from there. And told myself to take out the alarm clock from the mini fridge the next morning. Then I said, wait a minute, I dun have an alarm clock!!!!!!! I remembered clearly, the last song was Sam lee's song. I remembered my left index finger was very cold as I shoved the alarm clock in.

I dunno which was more horrifying. The dream or the fact that I felt it so real.

I'm frightened.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Motivation

I've lost the motivation in life, that motivation that pushes u in your every day life.

Life seems so meaningless now. It's easy to think about ending it. But I know I have to carry on living.

This is life as we know it. 那天,张嘉慧已经在喧哗的城市中死了。

Another night

Another night of not being able to fall asleep. But at least last night, I know I didn't take medication.

If medication doesn't help, I don't know what else will.

Monday, September 03, 2012

Insomnia getting worse

Last night, tool pills at 9pm. But I couldn't get to sleep!!!! Until 1 am plus, I forces myself to close my eyes to sleep. But still couldn't sleep! I think I finally fell asleep at 2 plus or 3am.

It's no use. Y did the medicine fail on me? I'm now afraid of the night where sleep becomes a problem.